Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Skinny Jeans Reach Critical Mass

After several painful years of mounting pressure, a final set of ass and thighs wiggled and shimmied into an overpriced pair of pants incapable of hiding all the things cloths were meant to cover. Deluded by hopes of appearing on The Cobra Snake or LASTNIGHTSPARTY, she winced and squeezed; pulled and stretched until the seams of her godforsaken pants were more than a metaphor for the tearing fabric of the universe. No amount of cocaine or number of pretentious bands could right the wrong she was desperately attempting.

And then it happened. With one final heave, an unraveling thread snapped and a portion of the universe collapsed in on itself. All of Williamsburg was lost in the blast.


  1. i never could understand skinny jeans...

  2. I am sometimes the victim of fads, I won't deny it. I own a fedora and a fancy scarf. I can say with a clear head that I have never ever ever liked skinny jeans. They make me laugh. I am contributing this to my fashion senses but it might have everything to do with my legs and ass not being able to fit into them. Either way, skinny jeans need to die. Nice post.

  3. As an official member of the Big Ass Club, skinny jeans are not and have never been my friend.

    I absolutely loved that a fashion fad (much less one I hate) made "a portion of the universe" collapse, including poor Williamsburg. You totally got "The Onion"'s style of taking a small detail and giving it the power to have monstrous effects (or vice-versa) spot on. This was awesome!