Sunday, February 21, 2010

He's Gone

I knew it was coming; unfortunately that doesn't seem to make this any easier.  Here, in the wake of perhaps the worst thing that's ever happened to me/the worst thing I've ever done, I feel empty, hollow, and lost.  The emptiness is punctuated by sharp and almost unexpectedly real emotions.

There is an all-encompassing and overwhelming sense of loss that keeps knocking me down as I try to wrap my brain around the idea that Edward doesn't exist anymore.  How could someone so important just disappear?

There's the longing, the itch in my fingers for his almost delicate and soft, but not girly "silky," ears, and for his almost coarse coat of thick almost sharp hair that used to give me hives on the insides of my wrists...

The breathless shock, when I "see" him out of the corner of my eye.

The guilt, for putting him down, even though it was the right thing, because I really, really just wanted to say no and take him home.

The regret, for everything undone.  Could I have put him on anti-convulsive meds and had him for another few weeks?

The undeniable and childish want.  I don't care; I want my dog.  I want to rub his gigantic rib cage aka belly; I want to talk to him; I want to see that quizzical and concerned look on his face; I want hear him "purr" that noise between talking back and growling he would make when he was happy, when I talked to him.  I want to wrestle and play the way we did when he was younger.  I want to cuddle with him in bed.

I want him to fill the 141lb Edward-shaped vacuum in the universe.

I don't care; I want my dog.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

One Month Down

Woo Hoo!  I survived January!  Yesssss.  If only that wasn't the way I felt about it.  January was...difficult, but alright.  I feel really good about the goals I was able to acheive, and pretty frusterated about the ones I didn't.

First the good:

I'm still not smoking.  In general I would say that not smoking has become normal for me, and that feels great.  When I suddenly do want to smoke, I'm having an easier time pushing past it.  I'm also still using my planner. It looks like the planner of an insane person (is that saying something?), and I see that as success.  For now.  Moreover, during the month of January I corrected two negative marks on my credit report, filed new W-4's with all three employers, read The Death of Bunny Munro, exercised (though not as much as I should have), and was generally successful in my goal to monitor my consumption.  I even cooked!  I made lasagna!  without causing an apartment fire!  Yessss!

And the not-so-good:

I exercised in January; really, I did.  I just didn't exercise anywhere near three times a week.  I find this very frustrating.  I know that my level of physical activity is inversely related to my stress level.  I know that when I get stressed, I sit down.  The problem, it seems, is not sitting down.  I also found out I somehow filled out my W-4's wrong, which I didn't even know was possible.  So now I owe the IRS over $1000, and they're fining me for having to pay so much in taxes.  What?  Really?  There's a fine for paying taxes?  I have a plan, I've corrected my mistakes (I think) and I will get a payment plan with the IRS.  Still, it puts me behind on my goal for cleaning up my finances, and honestly, how can I be fiscally responsible if I can't even pay my taxes correctly?  I've never had a problem with my taxes before, but it really hurts.  Finally, I'm struggling with The Diamond Age and I don't think I managed to write a blog a week for January.  Heck, I haven't even written a blog a week so far for February!

At the end (or a week after the end) of the month, it seems like a wash.  Edmund is wildly supportive, but after such a rough start it seems like a long way to the end of the year.  I'm not doing great for February (I haven't exercised near enough), but I'm trying.  I'm not giving up; with some luck (in the form of reduced stress and increased sleep) I'll be able to turn this month around.